my thoughts in words..

i've been totally carefree since xmas vacation.
I've been doing the one thing i'm best at
-NOTHING! Hahahahah!!

Ofcourse, there's a downside as well.. When boredom catches up and you've got no cash, this "life" can be lead you to do almost anything. (don't worry.. I haven't thought of studying for the revalida yet.. I'm not THAT bored yet!) hahaha!
Instead, i turned my attention to my diary.. My 2010 entries.

After burying my thoughts to my entries, i've realized that i've been such a sucker this year.. I've spent the whole year crying my heart out on the guy i've said i won't shed my tears anymore.. whether i deny it til death, my diary is the strongest proof that i still did..

Loser right?

But it's ok.. Coz if anyone would be given the chance to read my diary, you can see that there's an improvement behind the wasted tears. Facts were realized and lessons are slowly being learned.

i've been hurt for like a thousand times now.. And i don't know how i've managed through it all.. Most, i don't know how i've managed to let all those things come and hurt me at all.

being in-love is a great feeling and i love feeling in-love. It makes everything so light, happy and beautiful. So really, how come i've missed the part where i should have seen head on that it wasn't love anymore..?

I guess every person or thought in mind has that ability.. To make you go blind and lead you to believe that there's something worth holding on to..

So when is THE time for us to see when it's time to let go or still hang on??

All i can say is it's time to let go when you no longger feel IT there. Yes.. That moment or realization comes wether we like it, invite it, let it or push it, deny it or fight it..

People change. Including our very own selves. A proven fact that each and one of us must learn and accept.

So when you feel it.. Like it or not, accept it and make the best out of it.


we may not like the result of the changes, but we must continue and try to see the bigger part of it.

I learned the hard way.. Which now, i regret. I'm left with scars that will forever haunt me if go provoked. how i wish that i've gathered the courage to be strong and turn my back way, way before.
I know I'm the one who should be blamed for i let this happen. I let myself be abused and go neglected.

So for you in-love peeps out there..
Be wise.
Don't let "love" blind you with sweet words and deep promises. Coz really.. Love can't be proven by words.. Love is proven more than words alone.

c",)

"I'll be waiting til the day comes."

that's what we both said that made me hold on eventhough we've both moved on.
the thought that you are the ideal man made me believe that one day i'll be back in your arms again.
your sweet words made every miserable moment seems bearable.

Your insensitivity put a stop to it all.
which is good coz heaven knows you've hurt me enough.

i don't know why it took me this long to have the courage to take a leap in turning my back on you.

i guess they are right.. That no matter how great the love is, when neglected, it can and will naturally die.



you had a big part in my life and i know it will never be easy.. Blocking you may be the only way to start the healing process.. I hope i succeed and i know how small our world is, so i hope that if we ever meet again, i have forgotten you by then.. for i really don't want anything to do with you ever again.


bye.
gLuck.

Last November 16, i wrote a blog. I thought it was just a simple, meaningless feeling of missing that person. Since that day, i've been doing my best to ignore the squirming emotion. I didn't know that i'd be back again to this.

why? Why, i ask..

why can't i get you out of my system?

nasasaktan na naman ako..
AYOKO NA! AYOKO NA TALAGA!

Alam ko mas nakakatanda ako mostly sa mga taong nakapalibot sakin..
kaya kapag may conflict, i do my best to stay outside and see the big picture to understand every side there is, before going back in to speak and make sermon if necessary.

mahirap lang talaga minsan pag isang mataray, isang saradong isip at isang epal ang pinagigitnaan ko.
xempre kailangan mo intindihin yung bawat nararamdaman at takbo ng utak ng bawat isa. (ndi naman sa nagcocomplain ako, pero grabe naman kasi.. Pagsabaysabayin ba ang mataray, sarado utak at isang epal na ndi naman talaga dapat pumapapel!) lech!

kahapon, ngunwind ako with my sis and cuz.. Kalagitnaan ng girl's bonding, bigla biglang sisingit ang conflict. Honestly dumaan na sa isip ko ang balewalain ang conflict dahil kung titignan, it doesnt concern me. Pero obviously, kahit si king caspian, ndi nagawang alisin ang isip ko sa conflict na to. (dapat xe talaga SAW finale nlng ang pinanuod namin e.. Tsk!)

anyway.. Ayoko na i elaborate yung conflict na yun. Naiinis lang ako kasi as the person in between, ako talaga yung naiipit, lalo na at ako ang sumbungan nila.. Ndi na ba talaga uso ang "harmonious relationship" ngayon?

nakakapagod na!

Sa totoo lang, napakawalang kwenta ng issue na to pero trip ko isulat..

Brian Tuazon.
ang dating officemate ko na aminin na nating cutie at talga namang pasok sa taste ko. Madalas kami magkatext at aminin na nating may konting landian na talaga namang kinakilig ko rin.

Jesirie Maybituin.
ang girlfriend nyang dehins ko care pero bigla na lang napasok sa buhay ko dahil ndi nakayanan ng pasenxa nya ang ganda ko.

Asan ang gnyt kiss ko?
ang napadalas na landian namin ni ian na madalas din na narereplyan ng "mwah!"


first in my line of defense, text lang yun.
second, walang meaning yun. (kahit kinilig ako pg nagreplyan na ng mwah!)
third, never naman pumasok sa isip ko na demonyohin si ian. (kahit alam kong carry dahil ngkagustuhan naman kami way way back)
pero yun na nga e.. Napakawalang kwenta.. Sabihin na nating she, (jesirie) being the gf, may rights talaga mawindang at magselos, the thing is, wla naman talga dapat ipagselos o ikawindang. (sana nga meron na lang e. Hahaha!)

Sinimulan sa tamang pagplano ng bonding..
Ginawa ng may tamang inuman, tawanan, kwentuhan, mga bisitang epal.. pagshare ng mga bagay bagay..
tamang pagsasabi ng kanya kanyang comment, wild reaction at advise..
Nauwi sa mas matatag na samahan.


ESPRIT DE CORPS!


wala na ata talagang papantay satin.

salamat jam, kim, leslie, amity, krizh, pong at aivan.

nkakagaan ng loob marealize na lagi kayong nanjan para makinig, mag advise, mgshare ng sariling experience, at higit sa lahat, ang tumanggap ng kung ano at sino ang bawat isa.


alam ko may susunod pa.. So til next time! Mahal ko kayong lahat! =)

Alam ko mali na magsulat ako ngayon.. Dahil ayoko na nang magsalita habang may galit akong nararamdaman..dahil isa sa mga natutunan ko galing sa mommy ko ay ang
"don't deal with your emotions when you're still upset". Pero naisip ko, wala naman akong ginagawa db.. Ilalabas ko lang through words ang mga nararamdaman ko..
so here goes..

MASAYA.
yan lang ata ang naiisip kong salita ngayon na pwede kong gamitin para idescribe ang naramdaman ko nung kasama ko siya.
ngayong iniisip ko na lahat, narealize ko na, hindi naman nya ako naalagaan, hindi nya ako nirespeto, hindi nya ko minahal tulad ng inakala ko. (teka, pano naging masaya yun?!) sapat na pala sakin maramdaman ang kasayahan kapag kasama ko siya, kapag nasasabi ko ang mga nasa isip ko, kapag naaalagaan ko siya, kapag natutulungan ko siya.

SIYA.
Siya ang akala kong taong nagmamahal sakn, ang taong akala kong nagbalik saya sa nalungkutang ako. Pero ngayong iniisip ko siya.. Siya lang ang nakinabang, siya lang ang naalagaan, siya lang ang napagtuunan ng pansin, siya lang ang minahal. Puro lang pala siya.

MASAYA - SIYA
magkaibang salita at magkaibang meaning. Napakalayo pala ng connection.

MASAYA SIYA.
martyr: "tell me if and when all is over so i can tell my heart to stop beating."
masayang gago: -matagal na namang tapos e, kaya turuan mo na yang puso mo na tumigil sa pagtibok.

ansaya no?
Mabuti pa siya, masaya!
sa dinami dami ng txt at message ko s fb, kailangan ba talagang ipost pa at ipahiya ako sa sa wall ng fb?? (eto na.. Lumalabas na katarayan at galit ko.)


ok lang.. Dadating din ang araw at katapat nya..

at ako? Maganda ko so carry lang to!

Meeting you was destiny's plan..
Every single day together was us, not chance.
You've brought love back to my once broken heart..
Never did i expect to feel love at once.
Allowing everything to happen, i now thank God..
Ready i am now, for whatever tomorrow may grant.
Dada i love you, i don't know why, but i do.

2nd week of classes and i've missed a class already.. Being sick isn't normal for me.. Except for the inherited gout and callcenter souvenir hyperacidity, i used to be a healthy,strong immuned person. (ang tamarin pumasok, pwedeng pwede pa!)

i don't know if it's the cold weather but i feel as if i'm getting down with a flu. (ndi to pwede dahil tinaga ko na sa noo ni aivan na dnko aabsent sa duty!) =)
seriously..I don't wanna miss duty specially tomorrow that we're goin back to malabon. So screw you weather or viruses inside me.. Imma be better by tomorrow!


the cold weather isn't very helpful.
I don't like cold and wet weather coz it sets limit to countless things i can do. It also triggers my joints to swell and be in pain which leads to immobility and sleepless, tearful nights. (plus, the fact, that since i'm single, there's no one to hug with and provide warmth.. -o, mgdrama nnman ba?! Single ka michelle so deal with it!!)

another thing i hate bout this cruel weather is that it's signature mark and sign that xmas is nearing.. For 3yrs now, i've been wishing for xmas to never come, trying lots of tactics to avoid the jolly peeps and i've been putting a mask of happy face every xmas, and obviously, i've failed 3yrs in a row now. (sorry kiddos, i'm just not the "xmas-is-here-let's -all-hug" person anymore.) xmas saddens me most.. 2nd would be my bday.. 3rd might be the most awaited marching down the isle graduation.

don't judge me please.. It's just that holidays seems to be missing it's spirit since my mom, dad and bro flew halfway across the world. The expected, well played routine every holidays were replaced with "whatever-might-happen-routine". And it's so f*cking frustrates me.. Whenever a holiday is coming up, all i ever wanna do is to wear a pajama, close the door and windows, turn off my phone and lights, hit the bed and sleep the day off. Such a damn loser right?

well i'm sorry.. This is how this cruel weather affects me..
will it hurt the whole world if, for once, LULUBAYAN MO AKO?!

Due to a recent event, i went through my last year's planner to check on something.. While going through the noted dates, i noticed the dates i marked with two simple but meaningful letters, --mc-- that's when i smiled to myself because now i remember how i always, never failed, marked the days that i saw and spend time with 'mc'..
then that's when i noticed that it has been 4months and 2days since i last saw him.. Mixed emotions came and i don't know what weighed most.. The realization that it has been that long since i got over him, or the tiny pang of sadness that we truly had moved on..

mcdayzon, truth be told, is THE ideal man i've long prayed and dreamt of. Everything that the whole me, wants and need, was answered when i met and had mc. There was nothing else that i asked for when i was with him. (well.. Maybe there was one thing.. A baby! Haha!)

Life with him was careless, blissful, colorful, happy! My world literally evolved around him. He was my everything. I really couldn't, or atleast didn't, ask for more because i've never been that contented in my life. He, for me, is the perfect man.

He knows how to make me smile, -and that was practically from the moment i open my eyes in the morning, till i close my eyes each night.
His sweetness really did sweep me off my feet, -taking my hand and waist, to dance me around the room to the tune he hums in my ears, and ending it with the words "hanggang pagtanda ba natin sasayaw kparn kasama ko?"
He, alone, made me feel i'm the most beautiful girl around, -staring at me for like a whole minute, then simply whispers, "ang ganda-ganda mo mahal.."

i'll never forget the night he, so casually dedicated a song for me.. We were talking with bottles of beer around, his fone was on music player.. Out of nowhere he just said, "may kanta jan na pag naririnig ko, ikaw ang pumapasok sa isip ko.." then he played the song.. Honestly, i was on tears already the moment i recognized the opening tune of the song "grow old with you".. He just hugged me while i cried.

I remember the time i was home alone, with a fever, and he was in batangas with his family.. He was scheduled to stay there for few more days, but i felt like a baby princess when i saw him infront of our house with a bag of fruits the very next day..
i remember the time i gave him time alone so he can work on his report on his laptop.. I remember suppressing a big smile, when after 2hours, i checked on him and saw a powerpoint of compiled pictures of us together with the song "time of my life" at the background..
i remember the times, when i'd wake up from long sleep after work, i'd see him staring at me with a contented smile on his eyes and lips..
i remember the times, when i'd put on a sad face because i don't want him to leave.. Then i'd jump and smile the moment he takes his fone to send a message to the hospital saying that he couldn't go on duty..


i miss him.. =(

i just realized that today was supposedly our 1yr and 11th monthsary..

does that has something to do with all these drama?


i don't know why, but now, i'm wondering what had happened, and worst, i'm wondering if, by any chance, IF.. there's even a small, teensy-winsey, chance left in heaven, that i'd get my man back?

i know it's stupid.. but he is, after all, THE IDEAL MAN.

MY MAN.


mcdayzon dijamco magsino, i know we've moved on, but i can't deny the fact that i do regret ever being stupid to have lost you and that you still do have your place in here..

i miss you hal..

Haaay.. i'm here again.. I've set my mind to start and finish atleast half of my 20 drugstudies.. But i can't seem to command my hand to keep on writing..
so instead, i've chosen to browse my friends' fb profiles.. HS friends. (now, i honestly regret doing it coz, again, i feel left behind.. Again!) which in a way is true coz i haven't graduated and haven't achieved as much as they did. It's not like minamaliit ko ang sarili ko.. It's just that seeing their pictures taken somewhere around the world, their achievements, their own families, really saddens me big time.. Makes me ask, "where are you now chelle? What happened? Kelan ka pa kaya?!" -ambigat no?

i've shared this to almost everyone and i'm gonna say it again. I've long planned my life and if things went as they should have, i'd be a stable registered nurse working somewhere by now, with the thought of planning my future with the man i will grow old with, with a baby in my tummy even.. I'd have been fully contented by now with everything, if life hadn't twisted my every plan.

bitter you might say.. And yes.. I am.

My classmates, mainly group4, as i imagine them right now, will be reacting all the same.. Saying, "lokaloka ka.. Malapit kna gumraduate!" with their eyes rolling.. O si jam lng un? Hehe!

whenever they react like that, i choose to silently smile coz i understand that they don't fully understand my point.. Why? Well they're still young with the thought of enjoying everything that may come. We have different point of view in life as of the moment and i really envy them for being young and carefree. (i actually don't know who i envy most, my batch mates whom are stable and have a life of their own, or my classmates whom have the future waiting for them to step out and live their part in the world.)

I am now in the marrying stage.. The settling stage, and heaven knows how desperate i am to settle down!

circumstances forced me to slow down. And i don't have a choice but to wait for my turn, right?!

This sucks..

Nung nakaraang araw, andami naming mga ngdadarama.. Mga in denial, mga ngbbargain, mga humihiling na magkasama parn kami..
mga hindi matanggap na kailangang magkahiwahiwalay dahil nasanay na sa isa't isa.

sa totoo lng, kung pwde lang bang ipetition ang groupings, alam ko may lakas ako ng loob para manguna sa petition na yan..

masakit sakin na hindi na magiging tulad ng dati na, kahit anong mangyari, alam kong magkikita at makakasama ko sila sa lahat ng bagay. Masakit sakin na ngayon, magkakaiba na kami ng ikukuwento sa isa't isa.. Masakit na tanging sa kwento na lang naming malalaman ang mga nangyari sa bawat isa. Na hindi na part ang lahat sa mga mangyayari sa isa't isa.

pero naisip ko.. Ok lang..

bakit? Dahil nanggaling narin sakin ang alam kong mangyayari.. Na kahit ano pa man ang mangyari sa isa't isa, hindi mawawala ang kwentuhan.. Ang part na ishashare parin namin sa bawat isa ang lahat. Dahil ganun kami.. Part kami ng bawat isa so, kahit magkakahiwalay na kami, gagawa at gagawa kami ng way para "magkasama" kami.

magkaiba man ang experiences, iisa parin ang isip at puso.

KAMI PARIN!

c",)

Love? Feelings?

mas mahirap pa ata ito kesa sa pagintindi sa mga nursing subjs o sa pagsaulo ng mga bacteria sa microbiology...
ang mga assignment, recitation, quiz, at exam, pag hindi mo alam ang sagot, siguradong makukuha mo ang sagot sa paghanap sa notes, libro, net, pagtanong sa prof, o sa pinakamadaling paraan.. Ang pagtanong sa seatmate mo.

pero ang magulong nararamdaman ng "hypothalamus" mo -kahit sa pinaka genius na tao mo itanong, mabo-bobo sa pagsagot sayo.

mahirap pag puso na ang nagtanong, ibig sabihin kasi nun, hindi na sumasang ayon ang isip mo sa nararamdaman ng puso mo. Mabigat pa dun, hindi madaling baliwalain.
bakit nga ba kasi dumadating sa point na mas magaling pa sa pagkontra ang isip? Hindi ba't mas madali kung susundin na lang ang nararamdaman ng hypothalamus?!

paano mo ba malalaman kung tama ang sinasabi ng isip mo, o nadadala lng ng takot sa nararamdaman ng puso mo?
naryang sa puso mo, mahal mo siya pero dahil matalino ang isip mo, nilalabanan mo ang nararamdaman ng puso mo.
paano at kelan mo ba hustong masasabing tama ang isip mo? Sinong makakapag patunay na mali ang puso mo? Pwede rin naman na nagmamatigas lang ang matigas mong ulo dahil natatakot ka sa pwedeng mangyari.. Sa pagmamatigas at takot mo, pwedeng dumating huli na ang lahat.. Na sa huli, malalaman mong "mali ang matalino mong isip at tama ang takot mong puso"

pag dumating sa point na yun, panigurado, wala kang choice kundi ang magmukmok, magmaktol, magsisi, at marahil, ang mag-inom at magsindi ng 5 kaha ng yosi.. Tsk!

oo.. Magulo.. SOBRA! pero kailangan pa bang umabot sa pagsisisi?!

kung alam mo lang..
(swerte ka kung hindi mo alam at sana hindi mo narin malaman pa..) DAHIL MAGULO TALAGA!

Love? Feelings? -sino may sagot? (pakopya!)

c",)