my thoughts in words..

i've been totally carefree since xmas vacation.
I've been doing the one thing i'm best at
-NOTHING! Hahahahah!!

Ofcourse, there's a downside as well.. When boredom catches up and you've got no cash, this "life" can be lead you to do almost anything. (don't worry.. I haven't thought of studying for the revalida yet.. I'm not THAT bored yet!) hahaha!
Instead, i turned my attention to my diary.. My 2010 entries.

After burying my thoughts to my entries, i've realized that i've been such a sucker this year.. I've spent the whole year crying my heart out on the guy i've said i won't shed my tears anymore.. whether i deny it til death, my diary is the strongest proof that i still did..

Loser right?

But it's ok.. Coz if anyone would be given the chance to read my diary, you can see that there's an improvement behind the wasted tears. Facts were realized and lessons are slowly being learned.

2010 hasn't taken much space in my diary, (i'm guessing it'll take like 2 or 3 more years of experiences to fill the whole diary) so i guess i'm really looking forward to 2011.
I know this year will be the "heck of the year" that will take much space as possible. So many anticipated events will take place..
Audit, revalida..
If things go well -> GRADUATION!
Then ofcourse there will be the review..
then, with all courage and bravery (plus pocket of prayers) -> BOARD EXAM!

Then the agonizing moments of waiting for the board results..
Then the "I-can-imagine-i'll-die-moments" of frantically finding my name on the list of board passers..

(shhh*t!! I have goosebumps right now!!)
I'm nervous, scared and excited all the same time.. What more on all the said anticipated events??

Whooh!
Well.. There sure is a lot to expect this 2011 and i'm not sure how ready i am for all of it..
one thing i'm sure.. My diary will be the one to know every detail of my coming exciting 2011..

2011.. I'm preparing for you...
LET'S GO!!!!
c",)

i've been hurt for like a thousand times now.. And i don't know how i've managed through it all.. Most, i don't know how i've managed to let all those things come and hurt me at all.

being in-love is a great feeling and i love feeling in-love. It makes everything so light, happy and beautiful. So really, how come i've missed the part where i should have seen head on that it wasn't love anymore..?

I guess every person or thought in mind has that ability.. To make you go blind and lead you to believe that there's something worth holding on to..

So when is THE time for us to see when it's time to let go or still hang on??

All i can say is it's time to let go when you no longger feel IT there. Yes.. That moment or realization comes wether we like it, invite it, let it or push it, deny it or fight it..

People change. Including our very own selves. A proven fact that each and one of us must learn and accept.

So when you feel it.. Like it or not, accept it and make the best out of it.


we may not like the result of the changes, but we must continue and try to see the bigger part of it.

I learned the hard way.. Which now, i regret. I'm left with scars that will forever haunt me if go provoked. how i wish that i've gathered the courage to be strong and turn my back way, way before.
I know I'm the one who should be blamed for i let this happen. I let myself be abused and go neglected.

So for you in-love peeps out there..
Be wise.
Don't let "love" blind you with sweet words and deep promises. Coz really.. Love can't be proven by words.. Love is proven more than words alone.

c",)

"I'll be waiting til the day comes."

that's what we both said that made me hold on eventhough we've both moved on.
the thought that you are the ideal man made me believe that one day i'll be back in your arms again.
your sweet words made every miserable moment seems bearable.

Your insensitivity put a stop to it all.
which is good coz heaven knows you've hurt me enough.

i don't know why it took me this long to have the courage to take a leap in turning my back on you.

i guess they are right.. That no matter how great the love is, when neglected, it can and will naturally die.



you had a big part in my life and i know it will never be easy.. Blocking you may be the only way to start the healing process.. I hope i succeed and i know how small our world is, so i hope that if we ever meet again, i have forgotten you by then.. for i really don't want anything to do with you ever again.


bye.
gLuck.

Last November 16, i wrote a blog. I thought it was just a simple, meaningless feeling of missing that person. Since that day, i've been doing my best to ignore the squirming emotion. I didn't know that i'd be back again to this.

why? Why, i ask..

why can't i get you out of my system?

nasasaktan na naman ako..
AYOKO NA! AYOKO NA TALAGA!

Alam ko mas nakakatanda ako mostly sa mga taong nakapalibot sakin..
kaya kapag may conflict, i do my best to stay outside and see the big picture to understand every side there is, before going back in to speak and make sermon if necessary.

mahirap lang talaga minsan pag isang mataray, isang saradong isip at isang epal ang pinagigitnaan ko.
xempre kailangan mo intindihin yung bawat nararamdaman at takbo ng utak ng bawat isa. (ndi naman sa nagcocomplain ako, pero grabe naman kasi.. Pagsabaysabayin ba ang mataray, sarado utak at isang epal na ndi naman talaga dapat pumapapel!) lech!

kahapon, ngunwind ako with my sis and cuz.. Kalagitnaan ng girl's bonding, bigla biglang sisingit ang conflict. Honestly dumaan na sa isip ko ang balewalain ang conflict dahil kung titignan, it doesnt concern me. Pero obviously, kahit si king caspian, ndi nagawang alisin ang isip ko sa conflict na to. (dapat xe talaga SAW finale nlng ang pinanuod namin e.. Tsk!)

anyway.. Ayoko na i elaborate yung conflict na yun. Naiinis lang ako kasi as the person in between, ako talaga yung naiipit, lalo na at ako ang sumbungan nila.. Ndi na ba talaga uso ang "harmonious relationship" ngayon?

nakakapagod na!

Sa totoo lang, napakawalang kwenta ng issue na to pero trip ko isulat..

Brian Tuazon.
ang dating officemate ko na aminin na nating cutie at talga namang pasok sa taste ko. Madalas kami magkatext at aminin na nating may konting landian na talaga namang kinakilig ko rin.

Jesirie Maybituin.
ang girlfriend nyang dehins ko care pero bigla na lang napasok sa buhay ko dahil ndi nakayanan ng pasenxa nya ang ganda ko.

Asan ang gnyt kiss ko?
ang napadalas na landian namin ni ian na madalas din na narereplyan ng "mwah!"


first in my line of defense, text lang yun.
second, walang meaning yun. (kahit kinilig ako pg nagreplyan na ng mwah!)
third, never naman pumasok sa isip ko na demonyohin si ian. (kahit alam kong carry dahil ngkagustuhan naman kami way way back)
pero yun na nga e.. Napakawalang kwenta.. Sabihin na nating she, (jesirie) being the gf, may rights talaga mawindang at magselos, the thing is, wla naman talga dapat ipagselos o ikawindang. (sana nga meron na lang e. Hahaha!)

ndi ko alam kung mas nainis o mas natuwa ako xe naging issue ako. Nainis ako xe inaway ako nung girl. Natuwa ako xe ako ang kinampihan nung guy (kasi mali naman talga yung ginawa nung girl.. Sana nga naging reason na lang was kasi mas matimbang ako..) nangarap naman daw ako?! Hahaha!
pero seriously.. Dko gets yung girl. The whole time na nagaway kami, i did always refer ian as "her bf/her man" there was not a single second that i showed or made her feel that something is between ian and i. What irritated me was it seemed as if she wasn't contented with the fact that she really had nothing to worry or be paranoid of.

it made me think.. Why are we, girls, like that? There will always be a situation where we simply can't be contented to the fact the man is ours and not hers.. Why make the silly situation go to worst?
i've realized a lot of my past mistakes out of that situation really.. And it made me ask myself, are we, ladies, really born with a grain of paranoia?