my thoughts in words..

     Funny how sometimes, you've got loads in your head but no words are there to express it all.
     It's been two months since i found myself like this - my head's literally screaming in rage, but my tongue just feels like it's tied or what.. There's just one poor soul who gets to witness and hear my rage effortlessly..

     I'm known to be moody.. Others are used to it.. But i can't say that this is just one of the episodes of my being moody.. Things are different.. Maybe because things are expected to be different - soon.

     A new road is faced upon me to be traveled with all my heart, body and soul (literally!) - whether i like it or not, a new plan is laid out in my life to be pursued and be managed. Unexpected as it may be.. No one is to be blamed but partly me..

     I've gotten myself pregnant with no plans on having it.. Which makes it worse cause right now, I feel like I'm causing pain to my unborn child. It's not like I'm not gonna love my child.. I know I love my child cause if I don't, I should have taken detours to avoid this road. But I didn't. It's just that I really have no idea as to what i'm suppose to do and as to where the heck am I suppose to go. It's the first time that I've felt like this.. - lost and helpless.

     Long list of plans were set aside.. Never knowing now as to when am I able to fulfill it all.. Those marvelous plans were replaced with uncertain and blurry ones.. (really.. why now???)

     I've come to plan on how I'm suppose to start my family.. Believe me, it's the ideal way where i'd first get to be asked to get married, be told by my parents and in-laws of how many grandchildren they want, be surprised by my husband with a new house.. Those kind of ideal things.. That's why right now, I find it hard to cope up cause I wasn't told as to how to handle or what wise thing to do when this kind of thing happens. My parents literally expected me to be the one who will be able to do things right - sadly and greatly disappointing, but I did too...

     I know it's nonsense to entertain regrets anymore. What's wise is to plan for tomorrow and be prepared for anything. Life, after all, is already beginning for me.

     I know I'm asking too much when I asked heaven "Why did this has to happen now?"
     I know as well that I won't be having the answer anytime soon. All I've come up to accept now is that everything happens for a reason and the One above didn't let this child be conceived if it wasn't meant to be and that this child is meant to be born, raised and be loved by me. I may not be able to be the best mother in the world, but I know will do my best to be the best mother for my child.

Lord, guide me please.