Loooking back @ 2011 - THANK YOU LORD! :)
THANK YOU!!
The unexpected "bump" in my journey..
Funny how sometimes, you've got loads in your head but no words are there to express it all.
It's been two months since i found myself like this - my head's literally screaming in rage, but my tongue just feels like it's tied or what.. There's just one poor soul who gets to witness and hear my rage effortlessly..
I'm known to be moody.. Others are used to it.. But i can't say that this is just one of the episodes of my being moody.. Things are different.. Maybe because things are expected to be different - soon.
A new road is faced upon me to be traveled with all my heart, body and soul (literally!) - whether i like it or not, a new plan is laid out in my life to be pursued and be managed. Unexpected as it may be.. No one is to be blamed but partly me..
I've gotten myself pregnant with no plans on having it.. Which makes it worse cause right now, I feel like I'm causing pain to my unborn child. It's not like I'm not gonna love my child.. I know I love my child cause if I don't, I should have taken detours to avoid this road. But I didn't. It's just that I really have no idea as to what i'm suppose to do and as to where the heck am I suppose to go. It's the first time that I've felt like this.. - lost and helpless.
Long list of plans were set aside.. Never knowing now as to when am I able to fulfill it all.. Those marvelous plans were replaced with uncertain and blurry ones.. (really.. why now???)
I've come to plan on how I'm suppose to start my family.. Believe me, it's the ideal way where i'd first get to be asked to get married, be told by my parents and in-laws of how many grandchildren they want, be surprised by my husband with a new house.. Those kind of ideal things.. That's why right now, I find it hard to cope up cause I wasn't told as to how to handle or what wise thing to do when this kind of thing happens. My parents literally expected me to be the one who will be able to do things right - sadly and greatly disappointing, but I did too...
I know it's nonsense to entertain regrets anymore. What's wise is to plan for tomorrow and be prepared for anything. Life, after all, is already beginning for me.
I know I'm asking too much when I asked heaven "Why did this has to happen now?"
I know as well that I won't be having the answer anytime soon. All I've come up to accept now is that everything happens for a reason and the One above didn't let this child be conceived if it wasn't meant to be and that this child is meant to be born, raised and be loved by me. I may not be able to be the best mother in the world, but I know will do my best to be the best mother for my child.
Lord, guide me please.
leave it to live it!
andami nang nangyayari..
Andami nang nakakagulo..
Sa sobrang dami, ndi ko na alam ang gagawin ko..
Part of me wants to stay and fight..
But a bigger part of me wants to walk away and end the fight..
the whole of me is saying i love you..
But a small voice loudly shouts saying, it's worthless loving you..
how is this possible? I don't know.
All i know is i'm tired.. I'm so tired...
* accidentally inlove *
my mind's really blank right now.. but this thought of wanting to write keeps on urging me..
which leaves me no where coz really i have nothing to say..
hmmm..
what's new?? nothing much..
except maybe for the fact that i am really starting my countdown again for the BIG GRAD DAY..
*goosebumps*
second maybe is how little by little, though i'm trying my best to deny it, i'm starting to fall for you..
no, not you.. HIM. (hahahha!)
he's different from the others.. FAR WAY DIFFERENT!
maybe that's the reason why i can't fight this feeling..
in a week, there's always a point where i would just rage in anger and say that i'm breaking up with him.. (don't judge me please, but i easily get irritated to him.. I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW AND WHY!!)
then out of nowhere, he'll just come up with something that would make me smile and literally fall for him.. what's with him?? i dunno.
he's done small gestures that i would normally criticize, but i find myself speechless and smiling..
irritating right? hahahah!
is he the one?
i still don't want to know...
all i know is that, accidentally, he has patched my broken heart and made me fall again...
PRANING!!!
jam: "pasensya na hon... magpalit muna tayo ng sim card... mejo paranoid p kc ako...ako muna ggmit ng sim mo, kaw muna gumamit ng akin.. or mgpalit ka talga"
itchy: "so in short.. wala ka talagang tiwala sakin???"
jam: "mejo."
WOW DIBA??!?!??!!?!?
l*che lang talaga!
ano kaya yun???
tapos ngayong hiniwalayan siya.. para syang asong hahabol habol..
gago lang diba??
inamin na nga nya na wala xang tiwala.. so ano pa sense ng pagppatuloy ng relasyon na to???
kairita!!
SOBRAAAA!!!!!
OK LANG BA TALAGANG MAKSAKIT AKO ULIT???????
AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!
the girl i am to you..
"But then he comes around, and made me understand, that i have never really been inlove before.."
Isn't it ironic that when you've made up your mind to give up on love, someone suddenly comes and let you feel what love really means.. For a change, you find yourself being pampered, loved and showered with gifts and all.. That everything is not the way you used to do in a relationship. this time, it's the other way around.
Yes it's sweet..
But i find it unfair.
There i see him go gaga in expressing his love, saying iloveyou's and hugging non stop.. while i go branding a smile saying thank you..
I do like him.. But i still can't say that i love him.. I don't know if i just can't or if i'm too scared to fall again.
It's unfair that what the past has done to you is being paid by the present.. The one who simply wish to make you happy is having a hard time just because you're afraid you'd get hurt all over again. The saddest part there is when he says that he understands.. He accepts everything and willingly will wait til he finally makes everything allright..
I don't know what to do yet.. All i know is that i'm happy you came and made me feel love again. I'm not asking you to stay, but i'm thankful that you're there..
eto na ba??
ngayon ko lang naranasan na masaya ko sa isang taong ndi ko lubusang kilala..
ang pagkakakilala ko pa ay, gago xa at loko-loko..
may mga taong against sa nangyayari.. na aaminin ko.. nagdalawang isip ako.. pero sa nakikita ko.. ok naman siya..
sana lang totoo talaga..
complicated ang situation pero i'm willing to enter the complicated scenario..
kasi ok naman eh..
sana ndi lang ako nabubulag.. =D
crushed.hurt.disappointed.
i did my best to face 2011 with all happiness and positive vibes i can gather.
it seemed that my effort wasn't enough.
things went from good to worst.
i chose to keep my pride as she keeps being deceitful.
i chose to stay away to gather cool.
it's very sad to learn that after all the things we've gone through, she'll just turn away from all of it just like that...
i've been there for her since then, but i guess now, i'll let her be..