Sabi nila nasa huli ang pagsisisi.
Kasama ng pagsisisi, ang walang sawang pag-hiling mo na maibalik ang dati.
Minsan para maramdaman ulit ang mga nawala, pero kadalasan, para maitama ang mga maling nagawa..
Sakin - maibalik ang dati, maramdaman lang ulit ang saya.
Saya na dala ng mga ngiti niya.
Saya na dala ng higpit ng yakap niya.
Saya na dala ng pangakong kasama siya.
Masakit palang makitang masaya siya. Masaya kasama ng iba.
Masaya dahil sa iba.
Masakit malaman na may hihigit pa pala sa saya na naramdaman niya kasama ka..
Kasi para sayo, wala nang hihigit o papantay man lang sakanya.
Basta masaya ka.
Mahal kita.
Sana makalimutan na kita.
#savethedate
Basta masaya ka
Answers
Have you ever found yourself dwelling, not from a question, but on the answer from the question you've been asking for?
Not in a way that you were expecting the exact opposite answer of what you've gotten, but because you've gotten the exact answer that you have been persuading yourself to believe in the first place.
It's like finally confirming that, all along, I, and everyone else' words were true after all.
And you're stuck asking, "So what do I do with it now?!"
Wierd - i know.
Closure
Everyday I look around,
Realizing I'm searching for your face in the crowd.
And everyday i sigh deep,
Deprived and robbed,
That's what I want to tell the mob.
You left with no warning, so sudden,
I didn't get a chance to brace from falling.
And now I struggle to stand,
Gather myself and bind.
As I look at the eyes of others
To say I'm ok, it's no bother.
When in truth I'm no better,
Though I know i will be later.
Keeping hold of myself together,
Praying it's now than later.
"Hoping a glance of your gentle eyes,
Wishing for a minute of your deep soothing voice,
A chance of your warm touch,
And a final goodbye to your sweetest smile."
Will I ever get the chance?
To finally finish this dance,
And tell you like before,
That I love you still and more.
> NSM <
Loooking back @ 2011 - THANK YOU LORD! :)
Dec 30..
eto nanaman ang mga huling araw ng taon.
Malamig ang simoy ng hangin, masasayang naguusap ang mga tao sa paligid, at sa di kalayuan ay rinig ang tunog ng mga paputok na maagang sinindihan upang sumalubong sa darating na taon.
Eto nanaman ako, nakaupo at nagmumuni-muni. Hindi maiwasan ang nakaugaliang magbalik tanaw sa iiwanang taon.
Parang kahapon lang nung huli kong binalikan ang taon 2010. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Exciting ang 2011. madaming happenings.. 2011 is gonna be my year!" (the heck it is!)
Sa loob ng taong 2011 nung nakapag-tapos ako sa matagal kong pinagtiyagaang pag-aaral sa Nursing. Ang unang bagay na todo kong naipagmalaki sa aking sarili.
Sa loob din ng taong 2011 nung ako ay nakapasa sa Nursing Board Exam at nakamit ang aking Lisensya. (Oo.. "nakamit" talaga.. dahil mistulang pinagsamasamang trophy, medal at certificate [dagdagan mo narin ng cash, house and lot, at kung ano pa man] ang hiwatig ng munting lisensya na aking nakamtan.) talagang piangsikapan ko.
Ang dalawang bagay na ito ay inakala kong masusundan ng pagsisimula sa trabaho at pag-iipon, ngunit may ibang dala ang tadhana..
Sa loob ng taong 2011, sa pamamagitan ng ultrasound, una kong narinig at nakita ang tibok ng puso ng munti kong anghel. Una kong naramdaman ang pakiramdam ng maging ina nang una siyang sumipa sa loob ng aking tiyan. (sa totoo lang, madalas ay nami-miss ko ang pakiramdam na may "alien" sa loob ng tiyan ko.)
Sa loob ng taong 2011, ako'y nagsilang sa aking munting reyna. Walang papantay sa hirap ng panganganak, SOBRA! (hahaha!)
Yung feeling na nagising ako ng 2:38am.. wala si jhay sa tabi ko.. pagtayo ko ng kama, biglang may "gush of water" (take note.. totoo pala yung mga action o reaction ng mga artista sa movie.. yung pag ng rupture na yung BOW, yung tipong nakatayo tapos biglang tutungo ng bongga yung ulo papunta sa in between ng thighs.. tapos pag tingala yung facial reaction, takang-taka.. then they will say, "I think my water just broke!")
Tapos yung feeling na nasa stretcher ka, (for a change ako yung nasa stretcher at ako ang paxente.. ahehe!) dadalhin ka na daw sa OR ("kuya diba dapat sa DR??") tapos pagpasok sayo sa DR pinalipat ka sa delivery table ba yun?? (na todong hirap na hirap kpa mag roll-over o whatever man tawag sa pag gapang patagilid, kasi nanunuod lang si kuya at ateng OR/DR head nurse sayo..)
then yung feeling na may isang ate sa kabilang table na naglalabor din na ndi maipinta ang mukha (habang nag-iisip ako, kung bakit yung kama nya is may kutchon at yung akin ay wala??) take note.. tumagilid pa talaga ako sa pagkakahiga ko para icheck kung wala ba talagang kutchon ung table ko.. at yes.. tama ang likod ko.. Waley nga! kaya todo wish na lang ako na sana pagkapanganak ni ate ay ilipat ako sa table na yun. (nag wish pa talaga?!?!)
tapos may feeling pa na pagka-sabi ni ateng head nurse sa akin na matulog muna raw ako dahil matagal pa lalabas si baby, (4am pa lang kasi nuon) napadilat bigla ang mga mata ko at mega tingin sa paligid, habang sinabi ko sa isip ko na, "baka may magpakita na multo dito ha.." hahaha!
Then eto na yung feeling! yung feeling na maliwanag na dahil umaga na, 10:30 am, tapos panay na ang hilab ng aking tiyan, balakang at likod.. dumating si doctor OB, kinumusta ako at sinabihan si ateng head nurse na bagong duty na i-sedate muna ako. ok sana sa feeling ang pag-sedate na iyon dahil nakatulog ako, pero storbo si tiyan, balakang at likod dahil todo na ang sakit. Oo, todo na dahil nagising na lang ako at narinig ko ang sarili ko na ngsabing "Susko ndi na tama ito!" habang dahan-dahang tumutulo ang luha ko, pagtapos ay naisip ko na "Tinitiis ko ang sakit??? habang si Jhay, naka upong prente sa labas????" WHAT THE EFFF diba??
Timing na si ateng head nurse at manong anesthesiologist ay naka bantay sa akin at kay isa pang ateng naglalabor na katatapos lang i-painless ni manong anesthesiologist.. tinanong ako ni ateng head nurse.. "kung hindi mo na kaya sabihin mo, ipe-painless ka na namin." ay san ka at kahit hilong hilo pko sa pagkaka sedate, nagtanong ako agad kung matagal pa ba at kung makakasama ba kay baby kung ako ay magpapa-painless. Xempre sagot si ateng head nurse na hindi makakasama at ang pinaka-madugo, wala pa raw ako sa kalahati! So ora mismo, sinabi kong "Sige po, ayoko na po.." while tears are falling.. (ewan ko ba naman kung bakit "ayoko na po" ang lumabas sa bibig ko eh samantalang "hindi ko na po kaya" ang nasa isip ko..) hahaha!
Ay saan kayo! pagkasabing pagkasabi ko na "painless na po", aakalain mong si the Flash si manong anesthesiologist at ora mismo, nasa likod ko na siya agad at si kuyang assistant nurse o whoever ay nasa harap ko at pilit akong shini-shrimp position. (habang ngcocontract ang tiyan ko, take note! grabeh yun! grabeh!!! kung ndi lang siguro umiikot ang paningin ko sa pagkaka sedate sa akin at kung ndi lang ako nabubulag sa mga luhang ndi ko mapunasan ay panigurado, nasuntok ko na si kuyang whoever na yun!) Alang pakundangan at ndi man lang ng-ask ng permission to touch the patient and what more, to force the patient into a shrimp position.. Ehem! ahahaha! palibhasa eh lalake si kuya, never nya mararanasan baluktutin habang naiipit ang ngcocontract niyang tiyan! GRABEH TEH! MAG-ISIP-ISIP KA MUNA BAGO KA MAG-PABUNTIS HA?!
Anyway, after that horrible moment, i felt like I was in heaven. Special thanks to the powerful Epi, i was asleep in no time. haaay! Saraaap! hahahaha!
Then after that pagising-gising na lang ako to change position, and pag ngwe-wear-off na yung anesthesia, na aagapan naman ni manong anesthesiologist papamamagitan ng pag-push ng panibagong gamot.
After long hours of sleep, nagising na lang ako sa boses ng OB ko. I turned and saw her beside me.. sabi nya "O Michelle, i-ire kna ha?" sabi ng isip ko, "Hindi bagay sakanya ang nka scrub suit.." (epekto po ata ng Epi yan..) hahaha!
And so they prepared me and all.. todo turo si manong anesthesiologist ang doctora OB on how to push.. tango lang ang carry kong isagot that time, (hindi ko rin alam kung bakit hindi ako ngsasalita nung time na yun..)
inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, bawi - and PUSH! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. inhale, PUSH!
whew! since ngpa-painless ako, i can't feel anything and I can't say kung naipu-push ko ba si baby ng maayos. but my guess was, no, ndi effective ang pag-push ko kasi finundal nko ni manong anesthesiologist the second round of pushing.
That was hell! it felt as if I was drowning! the moment the anesthesiologist pushed my tummy, my force was transferred to my neck. It felt as if I was only pushing to fight back against the anesthesiologist pushing. Immediately i got tired. Then an episode came where in they said my baby's heart rate was rising.
Push. Push. Push.
Then they all stopped.
I thought they were giving me a break.
Then the anesthesiologist suddenly said "Tama ba yan??"
My OB then spoke right away, "Oo nga eh. Tama ba yan?"
The head nurse answered them, "Oo, tama yan!"
(Dapat ba mali??)
I became aware that they were all staring at the fetal heart monitor machine. I tried to look at the monitor but it was out of my sight. The anesthesiologist then told me, "Mommy, ire na ng maganda ha? bumababa ang heart beat ng baby mo.."
Immediately, thoughts of me having to undergo cesarean section frightened me.. I was near in tears when I thought "Pag umiyak ako, mas lalong ndi ako makaka-ire.." So I swallowed my tears and breathed.
Finally came the grand final push..
Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, bawi, Push! (with the suffocating fundal push.) 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 (I let my head fall back) but the anesthesiologist turned to me, while still doing fundal push, ordered me, "Mommy ire pa, mahaba!" without hesitation (and actually forgetting to breathe, ) I pushed back up then fell down, I breathed in, and i pushed again.
Then and there, I felt my baby's head came out. the anesthesiologist told me that I can stop pushing and just lie back. I heard a scissor snipped, then felt my baby being pulled out of me.
naimagine mo ba? (sa sobrang tense napa english na tuloy ako.. haha!)
matapos ng mga kaganapan na iyon,
walang makaka-alis ng lahat ng hirap at sakit maliban sa aking anak.
Yung pakiramdam na, hinanap ko ang iyak nya nung narinig kong nagsabi si Doc ng "Baby out!"
Yung pakiramdam na gusto mong sabihin sa mga nurse na "Pwede bang dito muna xa sa tabi ko?" nung nilayo na si baby para dalhin sa NICU.
Yung pakiramdam na, gusto kong sabihin sa pedia nurse na "alam ko na po lahat ng teaching na sinasabi niyo.. pwede ko na ba mabuhat ang anak ko??"
Aaminin ko, hindi planado ang pagbubuntis ko.
Maraming plano ang naudlot at isinantabi dahil sa hindi inaasahang ito.
Oo. nagsisi ako ng sobra-sobra..
ang pinakamalaking tanong ko nuon habang nakatingala sa langit ay
"Bakit ngayon pa???"
Hindi man nasagot ang katanungan na yan at wala rin makakapagsabi kung kailan masasagot ang tanong na yan.. Ok lang. Tapos na ako mag-sisi at tanggap ko na ang lahat. Nagpapasalamat ako dahil natanggap ko ang lahat.
Bakit? Dahil walang kasing saya ang makita, mahawakan at mayakap ang batang nuon ay nararamdaman ko lang sa mga sipa nya sa loob ng tiyan ko. Walang ibang bagay ang makakapagbigay ng gaan ng loob makita lang ang ngiti sa mga munting mata at labi niya. Walang kasing saya ang papantay sa tuwing sasabihin ko sa munting anghel na ito na "Love ikaw ni mommy, baby Mischa.."
Walang kasing saya. Wala. :)
Ngyong darating na bagong taong 2012, hindi ko batid kung ano-anong mga nakahandang mangyayari.. Ang alam ko ay mahaharap at malalampasan ko ng buong tapang ang lahat, dahil napatunayan ko sa loob ng taong 2011, na ako ay kailan man ay ndi nag-iisa.
Ako ay binabantayan, binibiyayaan, at binabasbasan.
Tulad ng dati, 2012 - I'm ready for you! :)
Who would have thought that a glimpse of her could change the whole worth of me and the life I've long asked the meaning of..
Without her, I am no one.
THANK YOU!!
I've travelled long and hard,
with lots of obstacles and countless fights.
stumbled a few times,
struggled and fought,
still, with the aid of many by my side,
I'm here right now,
maybe standing 5 ft tall,
but my spirit's feeling sky high.
I've managed to finish this chapter of my life,
fully equipped with knowledge and lessons.
things that I know will serve as my guide,
as I now will be moving forward in life.
I know I have lots to be thankful.
and I know this isn't enough to make YOU feel of how grateful I am..
but please let me show my gratitude,
with this simple message..
Thank you so much for the undying support.
Thank you so much for all the imparted knowledge and wisdom.
Thank you for the experiences that showed me life.
Most of all, Thank you for all the love and care..
love and care that I know is always there.
All these, molded me and made me who and what I am now.
That without YOU, I would never have made it here.
Here - Proud and Happy!
-to each and everyone who contributed to this success.
This isn't just mine.. This is Ours! :)
THANK YOU PO LORD! THANK YOU THANK YOU!! :)
The unexpected "bump" in my journey..
Funny how sometimes, you've got loads in your head but no words are there to express it all.
It's been two months since i found myself like this - my head's literally screaming in rage, but my tongue just feels like it's tied or what.. There's just one poor soul who gets to witness and hear my rage effortlessly..
I'm known to be moody.. Others are used to it.. But i can't say that this is just one of the episodes of my being moody.. Things are different.. Maybe because things are expected to be different - soon.
A new road is faced upon me to be traveled with all my heart, body and soul (literally!) - whether i like it or not, a new plan is laid out in my life to be pursued and be managed. Unexpected as it may be.. No one is to be blamed but partly me..
I've gotten myself pregnant with no plans on having it.. Which makes it worse cause right now, I feel like I'm causing pain to my unborn child. It's not like I'm not gonna love my child.. I know I love my child cause if I don't, I should have taken detours to avoid this road. But I didn't. It's just that I really have no idea as to what i'm suppose to do and as to where the heck am I suppose to go. It's the first time that I've felt like this.. - lost and helpless.
Long list of plans were set aside.. Never knowing now as to when am I able to fulfill it all.. Those marvelous plans were replaced with uncertain and blurry ones.. (really.. why now???)
I've come to plan on how I'm suppose to start my family.. Believe me, it's the ideal way where i'd first get to be asked to get married, be told by my parents and in-laws of how many grandchildren they want, be surprised by my husband with a new house.. Those kind of ideal things.. That's why right now, I find it hard to cope up cause I wasn't told as to how to handle or what wise thing to do when this kind of thing happens. My parents literally expected me to be the one who will be able to do things right - sadly and greatly disappointing, but I did too...
I know it's nonsense to entertain regrets anymore. What's wise is to plan for tomorrow and be prepared for anything. Life, after all, is already beginning for me.
I know I'm asking too much when I asked heaven "Why did this has to happen now?"
I know as well that I won't be having the answer anytime soon. All I've come up to accept now is that everything happens for a reason and the One above didn't let this child be conceived if it wasn't meant to be and that this child is meant to be born, raised and be loved by me. I may not be able to be the best mother in the world, but I know will do my best to be the best mother for my child.
Lord, guide me please.
leave it to live it!
andami nang nangyayari..
Andami nang nakakagulo..
Sa sobrang dami, ndi ko na alam ang gagawin ko..
Part of me wants to stay and fight..
But a bigger part of me wants to walk away and end the fight..
the whole of me is saying i love you..
But a small voice loudly shouts saying, it's worthless loving you..
how is this possible? I don't know.
All i know is i'm tired.. I'm so tired...
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